Time to update.

A lot has been happenning over the last few weeks. 

Firstly MIL got back into Australia a week after my last post.  It became obvious that the PILs had a different conflicting idea of what was going to happen with dd1 while MIL was away and when she got back.  The frustrations have not ended and I continue to feel frustrated with their views on things.  It has also come to light that dh thinks now that may have never been this huge bonding issue.  I'm glad he said it but its opened up some anger from me towards MIL.  She Truly believes that her way of parenting is the only way.  She wont say that, but if you do something she wouldn't do then you're doing something wrong.  dd1 seems so much more stable now, which makes me wonder whether the the instability in the first place stemmed from being over there.  S

So anyway dd1 is here permenantly now.  She and dd2 get on and don't get on and  thats what being sisters is about.  My chiropractor asked me a question a few weeks ago.  He asked me to rank myself out of ten as a mother.  I said 7.  I'm not perfect.  But i had a revelation today. 

 I try as a mother, I am gentle as a mother and I am the best mother for my children. 

 I get them and they get me.  Sometimes i get mad, sometimes they get frustrated but thats ok.

second thing, I am becoming a competent sewer.  I upcycled some items into an apron for a swap the other day and it looked quite good.  I'm getting quite a stash of  second hand/upcycled fabrics now too. 

third I joined a gym and i love it.  dd2 was sick this week so i haven't been but the body balance class is awesome.  cheap too.

fourth thing is we are moving in October as we found a great place by the beach.  All the things we need.  4 bedroom, 2 living areas, 2 car garage.  It had been stressful living where we are for a few reasons so this move should help enormously.

week 2 of dd1 being home

dd2 has been home for over a week now and is doing very well, she doesn't seem insecure at all.  She has asked a couple of times to go 'home' but its been very easy to persuade her other wise.  dh and I are strongly believing that she should stay with us now as she is settling in well and any further tooing and froing could be damaging to her. I am just so happy that things are going well.  

We had been going slowly with her because she had been so insecure but having had her settle in, i think it has given her time to see this family unit as her family unit.  in our minds, its done, why go back, how will that help?  obviously she will want what she knows.  And that is her other home, but she is able to understand i think.  She is so much more rational now.  She enjoys playing with dd2 and dd2 would miss her dearly if she went back.

Well its August.

The big news is i have my license to drive,  woohoo!!!.  So I can cross that off my list of things to do by August 8.  I still don't know how I got it.  I was learning in a manual 6 onths ago then stopped and just 3 weeks ago i got my first car an auto.  I was only learning in it for 2 weeks and somehow i pulled it off.  I love my car.  He needs a name.  He's a black onyx Peugeot 307.   Any name suggestions appreciated.

Learnt my first lesson today.  It was my first trip out without another adult in the car.  Went down to Kindy to learn the routine down there.  All fine so i go to leave.  Release the handbrake.  reverse.  but it didn't reverse.  so i look at the handbrake.  it was down (should have bloody checked it with my hand now shouldn't I).  So i give a little accelerator and it reverses.  No worries i think.  10m down the road and it beeps at me.  at the round about it beeps at me.  Then I continue up a very steep hill.  now I'm really getting beeped at and i notice a red warning light.  cant pull over anywhere.  then the car goes down a gear, starts to struggle a little.  I'm close to where i needs to go, so i park and the bonnet pops automatically, well that freaked me out.  So i get out and i smell smoke, so I freak some more, then i see a little smoke as well.  I thought i'd totally screwed the car.  All because i'd left the handbrake on just a little.  

Well I'm home now and the car seems ok, so i'll venture out again this afternoon.

A lot of support

A few weeks back I decided to do a post on a forum i belong to, about my family situation.  I knew many people were curious and I wanted to tell our story as you never know who else is going through similar issues as you.  I expected a lot of people to say that dd1 should be at home with me, dh and dd2 but instead I got a lot of support and admiration for putting dd1 first.  I had a couple of people suggest I see a psychologist of some kind.  Thats a good idea.  If i did do that, I would like MIL to come too and have the therapist be more of a sounding board and advisor rather than tell us what to do.  

We have a new idea too.  While dd1 has ben sleeping over much more, she is still having insecurity issues.  So here is the idea.  Since dd1 considers herself to have 2 homes(fair enough and natural) maybe we should split the week into the two homes.  Maybe 3 full days with us to begin with and then as she adjusts we add a day.  I think she doesn't really know where she stands and with the PIL moving in a couple of weeks, impromptu visits will become a lot harder to accommodate.  It gives us a starting point whereas at the moment everything is so flexible.  Will have to talk to dh about this, but seems like a good idea.

Just to clarify.

I don't want anyone to think I am abusive.  I never hit or grab.  And i very rarely yell.  I think the other night was the first time i had raised my voice in i think ever.  All i said was 'stop being stupid'  in a slightly elevated voice and with some tone.  The big issue is that I don't want my children to be afraid or to feel like they're not worth the time.  The things i do or don't do probably don't seem like much but I know they matter to my relationship with the kids.

Oh wow!!

After the way I acted the other night with dd2, dh had a little chat with me about it last night.  He is so very understanding of my issues.  Any other man i swear would have just gone off about how i was being selfish and treated dd2 so badly.  But he didn't he just wanted me to be aware of how i was acting and to try to figure out that underlying current in how i do treat them.   Of course i had another teary.  I think i should see a therapist but i just think (and dh agrees) that a therapist wouldn't see the issue as any issue.  My big issue is my very mechanical thinking.  I don't make the connection in my brain that dd2 needs me at that moment.  I am self focussed but its not being selfish.  I want what is best for the kids but i have trouble turning off the mechanical side of my brain and turning on the instinct side of my brain.  Most of the time i don't feel like i have an instinct towards them and that I have had to learn responses.  I feel that the instinct side is often repressed.  My mechanical side often overrides what I know is right and I really need to find a way to let the instinct side shine through.  Its got to be there, i know its there.  Its just a matter of getting it out and responding to the kids needs better.

Yay, we had a sleep over.

After a little white lie to dd1 that she had to sleep over because the PILs would be out late we finally had the first sleep over in over 3 months.  Obviously when we were on holidays she would sleep in the same dwelling but her actually sleeping in our home was a big step.  She did ask to go back a couple of times but i just reassured her that it would be fine and we'd go back when it got light.  

It was lovely to see the kids playing together, but woah one breastfeeding kid, one kid who likes to play with your hair and two adults in the same bed just do not work.  They had both migrated into the room after about 2am.  dh decided to sleep on the couch after that.  At 5am dd1 thought it was time to get up.  Something i'm just not used to.  But on the whole it was good.  

Last night dd2 woke before 12am though.  Because of the lack of sleep and i don't generally function well before 2am, i just didn't handle it well when she was being irrational.  She needed to go to the toilet but she wouldn't poo but insisted that she needed to.  I was cold, and i had a virus too, so i turned into grumpy mummy.  I felt bad but i just couldn't function.  dh still let me sleep in thankfully, not like i deserved to though.  I truly felt fatigued. 

well thats enough for now.  Tonight is dinner night, looking forward to it.

Ultimatum

I'm emotional, neglecting DD2(sort of) and i just have to say it.  

I want dd1 back.  I want to be her mum in every sense and I'm just so frustrated right now that once again the 2 people (dh and MIL)who should be making this happen are just being a little selfish at the moment.  I haven't had a good cry about this for a while and I've got to get it out.  Its been 1 yr and 3 months since dd1 lived with us.  I feel like I am in a constant state of lying.  My friends ask me how is dd1?  Half of them know she doesn't live with us and they know why so thats fine.  Its not because I don't love her but quite the opposite.  This is all about being selfless.  As a mother it is so hard to cut the feelings of 'wanting' your child to be with you.  

As a summary, when dd1 was born i had a whole heap of issues.  PND, PTS, Mastitis, pressure to breastfeed.  It was all too easy pass dd1 onto MIL as we lived with her and she had very good parenting skills.  I felt lost, I didn't know who i was, I felt like i should stick to what i know so I tried to help build our business and so i pretty much ignored dd1.  I have so much guilt over it.  knowing that we are where we are now because i was selfish.  

Flash forward and when dd1 was 15 months old we moved out of the PILs house.  She seemed fine as she had a playmate in a friends boy at our house, but when she was about 2 (and her baby sister was 6 months old and her friend wasn't with us anymore) there  were some obvious signs that she wasn't coping.  effectively dd1 had formed her primary bond with MIL and then without a thought we just took her away.  I'm still confused about it all but we needed to give dd1 some trust back.  We needed get her to trust and also give her back her time with MIL.  So dd1 went back to live with them.  From all the literature it was clear that those primary bonds are so very important in the first 4 yrs of life and if you disturb it, generally those kids can have major issues in their adolescent and adult lives.  not something you really want to mess with.  

It was excruciatingly hard on me.  I didn't like it one bit and i felt that none of the decisions were mine, just dh and MIL making decisions behind my back was how it felt to me.  It was really difficult for me in the first 8 months.  All i could think was WTF is she still doing there?  I thought they wanted to keep her. I felt like i hardly saw her at all and i had no control.  I was never a bad mother, I wasn't the best either and i felt that my only failing was that MIL was a better mother.  It sucked.  But after a few more months MIL and i had some really good conversations and did feel that we were after the very same thing.  They really want her back here but they want her to come back by her own will and so do i.  Its not right to tear her away from who she considers to be her mother figure.  She knows i'm her mum and our relationship is better than ever, which has really saved my sanity. 

But right now 15 months after our separation began here i sit again crying.  It just feels like it will never happen.  There were plans of dd1 staying with us in August for 3 weeks but dh has now planned to go away for work in that time frame.  dd1 should be the priority during that time, not work.  We were hoping that with a few weeks of full time care with us that she would stay.

intermission. lol.

ok, MIL just came round, had a good chat and we are still on track for December,  She is in the process of getting a job and selling their house so that they can move away.  If it dd1 isn't back in August full time then it'll be December.  My MIL really is fantastic and I do appreciate her selflessness in this issue.

Heres a plan

A weekend of light weight soul searching and i think have some plans for getting things on track.  

I'm a homebody and as such I think i spend way too much time at home and cleaning.  Its true that leaving the house actually creates less work because you and the kids aren't at home to make the mess.  

And as another catalyst I discovered that DD1 and MIL are doing another activity I was very unaware of.  I think as her mother it would be good for me to know that she has not only done roller skating but moved up to roller blading.  I had no idea.  Shouldn't I know this?  I only found out because I asked.  I feel like I'm missing out on so much, which I am of course and now I feel like I'm back to competing.  

So I've decided to add a few activities to what DD2, DD1 and I can do to get out of the house.  And maybe it will entice DD1 back home a little more.  

Big on my list is breakdancing for DD1, and library time for DD2.  hmmm what else can I do for them.  I think it may be time to go back to the park.  We had stopped because of all the illness around us.  We have a couple of wildlife park memberships but my huge hurdle is not having a license. I might try the local play centre too.

TFCC and 'bendy'

I always thought I had slightly flexible joints, but never thought I was bendy.  I saw a rheumatologist today for a wrist problem this arvo and i figured i may as ask about my 'funny' hips as well.  You see my hips have issues at the most inopportune passionate moments.  Turns out i have 'Benign Joint Hypermobility'  ie.  I'm very bendy. lol.  My husband should be so pleased.  ;) No issue apart from my hips getting 'stuck' every so often.  It is inherited so 2 in 3 kids i have would have it.  Makes for good piano players apparently.

So on to what i went to the rheumatologist primarily for.  I've had a clicky wrist for 8 yrs ever since i had a small workplace accident.  every winter my right wrist gets a fairly constant pain in it.  It got so bad a month ago I finally decided to go see the rheumatologist.  As my GP had thought and the rheumatologist confirmed, it is likely to be TFCC(Triangular Fibrocartilage Complex).  Simply a tear in that area that may need surgery.  I will be getting an MRI in the next few weeks.  I don't want surgery but I certainly don't want it to get any worse.

What is this stain?

HELP!! What could this mark possibly be from. It is a recurring stain that I have got on atleast 4 shirts now, so it must be from something i am constantly around. I haven't managed to remove this mark either so its getting to be rather frustrating. I think door handles are at the right height but the ones i've tested have too small a circumference. It is always in the exact same spot.  Someone please help me.

Exercise at home

Part of my mission is to become a healthier fitter person. I was going to a gym but realised the other day that including transport and creche it was costing me about $150 a month. woah!!!!. So at home now I have a weight bench we got cheap off ebay and i've just discovered some workout videos on youtube. Easy stuff you can do at home. though i had to tone it down for some due to my dodgy hip. apparently most mothers have atleast one funny hip. So here is the link to the channel on Youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/sparkpeople

Very improbable - a background

When you come from a home that is disorganised, cluttered, and often putrid, it can take a long time to shake that mess away. I was never the domestic type, I could cook, I could sort of iron, wash and fold clothes but I was always messy. I mean when everyone else in the house leaves mess it seems really pointless as a child and then teenager to pick up after yourself. There was little equity with chores in our household, so I was always felt it wasn't fair, wasn't fair that we kids were told to do everything. So it(chores) never felt like something you just do as part of a household, it was something we were made to do. I just don't feel like we were given the right basis for looking after ourselves and our future households. So I am in the process of breaking old habits and becoming an effective domestic engineer(housewife). I've come along way and I'd like to share some things here.