Just to clarify.

I don't want anyone to think I am abusive.  I never hit or grab.  And i very rarely yell.  I think the other night was the first time i had raised my voice in i think ever.  All i said was 'stop being stupid'  in a slightly elevated voice and with some tone.  The big issue is that I don't want my children to be afraid or to feel like they're not worth the time.  The things i do or don't do probably don't seem like much but I know they matter to my relationship with the kids.