Oh wow!!

After the way I acted the other night with dd2, dh had a little chat with me about it last night.  He is so very understanding of my issues.  Any other man i swear would have just gone off about how i was being selfish and treated dd2 so badly.  But he didn't he just wanted me to be aware of how i was acting and to try to figure out that underlying current in how i do treat them.   Of course i had another teary.  I think i should see a therapist but i just think (and dh agrees) that a therapist wouldn't see the issue as any issue.  My big issue is my very mechanical thinking.  I don't make the connection in my brain that dd2 needs me at that moment.  I am self focussed but its not being selfish.  I want what is best for the kids but i have trouble turning off the mechanical side of my brain and turning on the instinct side of my brain.  Most of the time i don't feel like i have an instinct towards them and that I have had to learn responses.  I feel that the instinct side is often repressed.  My mechanical side often overrides what I know is right and I really need to find a way to let the instinct side shine through.  Its got to be there, i know its there.  Its just a matter of getting it out and responding to the kids needs better.