I want dd1 back. I want to be her mum in every sense and I'm just so frustrated right now that once again the 2 people (dh and MIL)who should be making this happen are just being a little selfish at the moment. I haven't had a good cry about this for a while and I've got to get it out. Its been 1 yr and 3 months since dd1 lived with us. I feel like I am in a constant state of lying. My friends ask me how is dd1? Half of them know she doesn't live with us and they know why so thats fine. Its not because I don't love her but quite the opposite. This is all about being selfless. As a mother it is so hard to cut the feelings of 'wanting' your child to be with you.
As a summary, when dd1 was born i had a whole heap of issues. PND, PTS, Mastitis, pressure to breastfeed. It was all too easy pass dd1 onto MIL as we lived with her and she had very good parenting skills. I felt lost, I didn't know who i was, I felt like i should stick to what i know so I tried to help build our business and so i pretty much ignored dd1. I have so much guilt over it. knowing that we are where we are now because i was selfish.
Flash forward and when dd1 was 15 months old we moved out of the PILs house. She seemed fine as she had a playmate in a friends boy at our house, but when she was about 2 (and her baby sister was 6 months old and her friend wasn't with us anymore) there were some obvious signs that she wasn't coping. effectively dd1 had formed her primary bond with MIL and then without a thought we just took her away. I'm still confused about it all but we needed to give dd1 some trust back. We needed get her to trust and also give her back her time with MIL. So dd1 went back to live with them. From all the literature it was clear that those primary bonds are so very important in the first 4 yrs of life and if you disturb it, generally those kids can have major issues in their adolescent and adult lives. not something you really want to mess with.
It was excruciatingly hard on me. I didn't like it one bit and i felt that none of the decisions were mine, just dh and MIL making decisions behind my back was how it felt to me. It was really difficult for me in the first 8 months. All i could think was WTF is she still doing there? I thought they wanted to keep her. I felt like i hardly saw her at all and i had no control. I was never a bad mother, I wasn't the best either and i felt that my only failing was that MIL was a better mother. It sucked. But after a few more months MIL and i had some really good conversations and did feel that we were after the very same thing. They really want her back here but they want her to come back by her own will and so do i. Its not right to tear her away from who she considers to be her mother figure. She knows i'm her mum and our relationship is better than ever, which has really saved my sanity.
But right now 15 months after our separation began here i sit again crying. It just feels like it will never happen. There were plans of dd1 staying with us in August for 3 weeks but dh has now planned to go away for work in that time frame. dd1 should be the priority during that time, not work. We were hoping that with a few weeks of full time care with us that she would stay.
intermission. lol.
ok, MIL just came round, had a good chat and we are still on track for December, She is in the process of getting a job and selling their house so that they can move away. If it dd1 isn't back in August full time then it'll be December. My MIL really is fantastic and I do appreciate her selflessness in this issue.
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