Just to clarify.

I don't want anyone to think I am abusive.  I never hit or grab.  And i very rarely yell.  I think the other night was the first time i had raised my voice in i think ever.  All i said was 'stop being stupid'  in a slightly elevated voice and with some tone.  The big issue is that I don't want my children to be afraid or to feel like they're not worth the time.  The things i do or don't do probably don't seem like much but I know they matter to my relationship with the kids.

Oh wow!!

After the way I acted the other night with dd2, dh had a little chat with me about it last night.  He is so very understanding of my issues.  Any other man i swear would have just gone off about how i was being selfish and treated dd2 so badly.  But he didn't he just wanted me to be aware of how i was acting and to try to figure out that underlying current in how i do treat them.   Of course i had another teary.  I think i should see a therapist but i just think (and dh agrees) that a therapist wouldn't see the issue as any issue.  My big issue is my very mechanical thinking.  I don't make the connection in my brain that dd2 needs me at that moment.  I am self focussed but its not being selfish.  I want what is best for the kids but i have trouble turning off the mechanical side of my brain and turning on the instinct side of my brain.  Most of the time i don't feel like i have an instinct towards them and that I have had to learn responses.  I feel that the instinct side is often repressed.  My mechanical side often overrides what I know is right and I really need to find a way to let the instinct side shine through.  Its got to be there, i know its there.  Its just a matter of getting it out and responding to the kids needs better.

Yay, we had a sleep over.

After a little white lie to dd1 that she had to sleep over because the PILs would be out late we finally had the first sleep over in over 3 months.  Obviously when we were on holidays she would sleep in the same dwelling but her actually sleeping in our home was a big step.  She did ask to go back a couple of times but i just reassured her that it would be fine and we'd go back when it got light.  

It was lovely to see the kids playing together, but woah one breastfeeding kid, one kid who likes to play with your hair and two adults in the same bed just do not work.  They had both migrated into the room after about 2am.  dh decided to sleep on the couch after that.  At 5am dd1 thought it was time to get up.  Something i'm just not used to.  But on the whole it was good.  

Last night dd2 woke before 12am though.  Because of the lack of sleep and i don't generally function well before 2am, i just didn't handle it well when she was being irrational.  She needed to go to the toilet but she wouldn't poo but insisted that she needed to.  I was cold, and i had a virus too, so i turned into grumpy mummy.  I felt bad but i just couldn't function.  dh still let me sleep in thankfully, not like i deserved to though.  I truly felt fatigued. 

well thats enough for now.  Tonight is dinner night, looking forward to it.

Ultimatum

I'm emotional, neglecting DD2(sort of) and i just have to say it.  

I want dd1 back.  I want to be her mum in every sense and I'm just so frustrated right now that once again the 2 people (dh and MIL)who should be making this happen are just being a little selfish at the moment.  I haven't had a good cry about this for a while and I've got to get it out.  Its been 1 yr and 3 months since dd1 lived with us.  I feel like I am in a constant state of lying.  My friends ask me how is dd1?  Half of them know she doesn't live with us and they know why so thats fine.  Its not because I don't love her but quite the opposite.  This is all about being selfless.  As a mother it is so hard to cut the feelings of 'wanting' your child to be with you.  

As a summary, when dd1 was born i had a whole heap of issues.  PND, PTS, Mastitis, pressure to breastfeed.  It was all too easy pass dd1 onto MIL as we lived with her and she had very good parenting skills.  I felt lost, I didn't know who i was, I felt like i should stick to what i know so I tried to help build our business and so i pretty much ignored dd1.  I have so much guilt over it.  knowing that we are where we are now because i was selfish.  

Flash forward and when dd1 was 15 months old we moved out of the PILs house.  She seemed fine as she had a playmate in a friends boy at our house, but when she was about 2 (and her baby sister was 6 months old and her friend wasn't with us anymore) there  were some obvious signs that she wasn't coping.  effectively dd1 had formed her primary bond with MIL and then without a thought we just took her away.  I'm still confused about it all but we needed to give dd1 some trust back.  We needed get her to trust and also give her back her time with MIL.  So dd1 went back to live with them.  From all the literature it was clear that those primary bonds are so very important in the first 4 yrs of life and if you disturb it, generally those kids can have major issues in their adolescent and adult lives.  not something you really want to mess with.  

It was excruciatingly hard on me.  I didn't like it one bit and i felt that none of the decisions were mine, just dh and MIL making decisions behind my back was how it felt to me.  It was really difficult for me in the first 8 months.  All i could think was WTF is she still doing there?  I thought they wanted to keep her. I felt like i hardly saw her at all and i had no control.  I was never a bad mother, I wasn't the best either and i felt that my only failing was that MIL was a better mother.  It sucked.  But after a few more months MIL and i had some really good conversations and did feel that we were after the very same thing.  They really want her back here but they want her to come back by her own will and so do i.  Its not right to tear her away from who she considers to be her mother figure.  She knows i'm her mum and our relationship is better than ever, which has really saved my sanity. 

But right now 15 months after our separation began here i sit again crying.  It just feels like it will never happen.  There were plans of dd1 staying with us in August for 3 weeks but dh has now planned to go away for work in that time frame.  dd1 should be the priority during that time, not work.  We were hoping that with a few weeks of full time care with us that she would stay.

intermission. lol.

ok, MIL just came round, had a good chat and we are still on track for December,  She is in the process of getting a job and selling their house so that they can move away.  If it dd1 isn't back in August full time then it'll be December.  My MIL really is fantastic and I do appreciate her selflessness in this issue.

Heres a plan

A weekend of light weight soul searching and i think have some plans for getting things on track.  

I'm a homebody and as such I think i spend way too much time at home and cleaning.  Its true that leaving the house actually creates less work because you and the kids aren't at home to make the mess.  

And as another catalyst I discovered that DD1 and MIL are doing another activity I was very unaware of.  I think as her mother it would be good for me to know that she has not only done roller skating but moved up to roller blading.  I had no idea.  Shouldn't I know this?  I only found out because I asked.  I feel like I'm missing out on so much, which I am of course and now I feel like I'm back to competing.  

So I've decided to add a few activities to what DD2, DD1 and I can do to get out of the house.  And maybe it will entice DD1 back home a little more.  

Big on my list is breakdancing for DD1, and library time for DD2.  hmmm what else can I do for them.  I think it may be time to go back to the park.  We had stopped because of all the illness around us.  We have a couple of wildlife park memberships but my huge hurdle is not having a license. I might try the local play centre too.