Time to update.

A lot has been happenning over the last few weeks. 

Firstly MIL got back into Australia a week after my last post.  It became obvious that the PILs had a different conflicting idea of what was going to happen with dd1 while MIL was away and when she got back.  The frustrations have not ended and I continue to feel frustrated with their views on things.  It has also come to light that dh thinks now that may have never been this huge bonding issue.  I'm glad he said it but its opened up some anger from me towards MIL.  She Truly believes that her way of parenting is the only way.  She wont say that, but if you do something she wouldn't do then you're doing something wrong.  dd1 seems so much more stable now, which makes me wonder whether the the instability in the first place stemmed from being over there.  S

So anyway dd1 is here permenantly now.  She and dd2 get on and don't get on and  thats what being sisters is about.  My chiropractor asked me a question a few weeks ago.  He asked me to rank myself out of ten as a mother.  I said 7.  I'm not perfect.  But i had a revelation today. 

 I try as a mother, I am gentle as a mother and I am the best mother for my children. 

 I get them and they get me.  Sometimes i get mad, sometimes they get frustrated but thats ok.

second thing, I am becoming a competent sewer.  I upcycled some items into an apron for a swap the other day and it looked quite good.  I'm getting quite a stash of  second hand/upcycled fabrics now too. 

third I joined a gym and i love it.  dd2 was sick this week so i haven't been but the body balance class is awesome.  cheap too.

fourth thing is we are moving in October as we found a great place by the beach.  All the things we need.  4 bedroom, 2 living areas, 2 car garage.  It had been stressful living where we are for a few reasons so this move should help enormously.

week 2 of dd1 being home

dd2 has been home for over a week now and is doing very well, she doesn't seem insecure at all.  She has asked a couple of times to go 'home' but its been very easy to persuade her other wise.  dh and I are strongly believing that she should stay with us now as she is settling in well and any further tooing and froing could be damaging to her. I am just so happy that things are going well.  

We had been going slowly with her because she had been so insecure but having had her settle in, i think it has given her time to see this family unit as her family unit.  in our minds, its done, why go back, how will that help?  obviously she will want what she knows.  And that is her other home, but she is able to understand i think.  She is so much more rational now.  She enjoys playing with dd2 and dd2 would miss her dearly if she went back.

Well its August.

The big news is i have my license to drive,  woohoo!!!.  So I can cross that off my list of things to do by August 8.  I still don't know how I got it.  I was learning in a manual 6 onths ago then stopped and just 3 weeks ago i got my first car an auto.  I was only learning in it for 2 weeks and somehow i pulled it off.  I love my car.  He needs a name.  He's a black onyx Peugeot 307.   Any name suggestions appreciated.

Learnt my first lesson today.  It was my first trip out without another adult in the car.  Went down to Kindy to learn the routine down there.  All fine so i go to leave.  Release the handbrake.  reverse.  but it didn't reverse.  so i look at the handbrake.  it was down (should have bloody checked it with my hand now shouldn't I).  So i give a little accelerator and it reverses.  No worries i think.  10m down the road and it beeps at me.  at the round about it beeps at me.  Then I continue up a very steep hill.  now I'm really getting beeped at and i notice a red warning light.  cant pull over anywhere.  then the car goes down a gear, starts to struggle a little.  I'm close to where i needs to go, so i park and the bonnet pops automatically, well that freaked me out.  So i get out and i smell smoke, so I freak some more, then i see a little smoke as well.  I thought i'd totally screwed the car.  All because i'd left the handbrake on just a little.  

Well I'm home now and the car seems ok, so i'll venture out again this afternoon.

A lot of support

A few weeks back I decided to do a post on a forum i belong to, about my family situation.  I knew many people were curious and I wanted to tell our story as you never know who else is going through similar issues as you.  I expected a lot of people to say that dd1 should be at home with me, dh and dd2 but instead I got a lot of support and admiration for putting dd1 first.  I had a couple of people suggest I see a psychologist of some kind.  Thats a good idea.  If i did do that, I would like MIL to come too and have the therapist be more of a sounding board and advisor rather than tell us what to do.  

We have a new idea too.  While dd1 has ben sleeping over much more, she is still having insecurity issues.  So here is the idea.  Since dd1 considers herself to have 2 homes(fair enough and natural) maybe we should split the week into the two homes.  Maybe 3 full days with us to begin with and then as she adjusts we add a day.  I think she doesn't really know where she stands and with the PIL moving in a couple of weeks, impromptu visits will become a lot harder to accommodate.  It gives us a starting point whereas at the moment everything is so flexible.  Will have to talk to dh about this, but seems like a good idea.

Just to clarify.

I don't want anyone to think I am abusive.  I never hit or grab.  And i very rarely yell.  I think the other night was the first time i had raised my voice in i think ever.  All i said was 'stop being stupid'  in a slightly elevated voice and with some tone.  The big issue is that I don't want my children to be afraid or to feel like they're not worth the time.  The things i do or don't do probably don't seem like much but I know they matter to my relationship with the kids.

Oh wow!!

After the way I acted the other night with dd2, dh had a little chat with me about it last night.  He is so very understanding of my issues.  Any other man i swear would have just gone off about how i was being selfish and treated dd2 so badly.  But he didn't he just wanted me to be aware of how i was acting and to try to figure out that underlying current in how i do treat them.   Of course i had another teary.  I think i should see a therapist but i just think (and dh agrees) that a therapist wouldn't see the issue as any issue.  My big issue is my very mechanical thinking.  I don't make the connection in my brain that dd2 needs me at that moment.  I am self focussed but its not being selfish.  I want what is best for the kids but i have trouble turning off the mechanical side of my brain and turning on the instinct side of my brain.  Most of the time i don't feel like i have an instinct towards them and that I have had to learn responses.  I feel that the instinct side is often repressed.  My mechanical side often overrides what I know is right and I really need to find a way to let the instinct side shine through.  Its got to be there, i know its there.  Its just a matter of getting it out and responding to the kids needs better.

Yay, we had a sleep over.

After a little white lie to dd1 that she had to sleep over because the PILs would be out late we finally had the first sleep over in over 3 months.  Obviously when we were on holidays she would sleep in the same dwelling but her actually sleeping in our home was a big step.  She did ask to go back a couple of times but i just reassured her that it would be fine and we'd go back when it got light.  

It was lovely to see the kids playing together, but woah one breastfeeding kid, one kid who likes to play with your hair and two adults in the same bed just do not work.  They had both migrated into the room after about 2am.  dh decided to sleep on the couch after that.  At 5am dd1 thought it was time to get up.  Something i'm just not used to.  But on the whole it was good.  

Last night dd2 woke before 12am though.  Because of the lack of sleep and i don't generally function well before 2am, i just didn't handle it well when she was being irrational.  She needed to go to the toilet but she wouldn't poo but insisted that she needed to.  I was cold, and i had a virus too, so i turned into grumpy mummy.  I felt bad but i just couldn't function.  dh still let me sleep in thankfully, not like i deserved to though.  I truly felt fatigued. 

well thats enough for now.  Tonight is dinner night, looking forward to it.